I am deviating from my Proverbs 31 posts today and sharing something that is happening in my life right now. Some of you that follow me regularly know that I have autoimmune disorder and have been struggling with my health for quite some time now. I had tried several different drugs and treatments for my UC and then got off of them to have our third child. After a long, very difficult and very very expensive pregnancy we were blessed with our little Miss Ashlee. With her birth the difficulties with my health increased dramatically with the onset of psoriasis and joint aches. I had an appointment with one of my specialist yesterday and have now run out of treatment options except a shot that I was so trying to avoid. At this point that is my only option and one that we have decided to move forward with. My current quality of life and ability to adequately meet the needs of my spouse and children are poor. My family deserves to have a wife and mother that can take care of them and give them the things they need and deserve. After much prayer and seeking God’s guidance and my husband’s leading we are starting the shots as soon as our insurance approves them which should take about a month. I am joyful that there is treatment and that it is supposed to work extremely well in controlling all three of my major issues. I am looking forward to feeling better soon!
Now the down side, by taking this medication it eliminates any possibility of growing our family further. Hearing the words spoken from the doctor’s mouth that once I start this medication I will be on it indefinitely and if for any reason stop taking it that it would no longer be effective was like having a knife thrown into my heart. I dreamed of having more children and that dream has come crashing down bringing with it much sorrow and grief. Don’t get me wrong I dearly love the three wonderful girls that God has given me and so greatly appreciate that gift. But that also doesn’t mean that I didn’t hope and dream of more. To suddenly be faced with the fact that at the age of 28 I have carried my last child is heart breaking to me. To know that I have heard the last heartbeat, had the last sonogram, excitedly planned for the last arrival of another little one, anxiously waited for my last delivery, heard my last first word, seen my last first step etc… brings me unspeakable sadness and many tears.
On the way home from the doctor I saw a bill board that read “Children are a blessing from God”. It immediately made me tear up again as I thought “Lord why can I not receive any more of your blessings?” It then hit me that yes, the birth of a child is a blessing, but that blessing doesn’t end. Every day that I am able to live a healthy life and enjoy the children that God has already given to me is a blessing that keeps blessing! I am still feeling the grief of not having more but it is under the clarity of the fact that I have already been given far more than many. I am grateful and thankful and blessed beyond measure! I will go to God and he will give me the peace that He is in control! Philippians 4:6-7 encourages me by saying, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” I have the faith to say that though my heart is broken He is the ultimate healer and will realign my wants with his will and give me peace!